Local news for local people in the general locality.

Salmond “to develop closers ties with Latveria”

A government aide, who wishes to remain anonymous, has told this correspondent that Alex Salmond has plans to develop closer economic and political ties with the small European state of Latveria should Scotland vote for independence in the forthcoming referendum. The mysterious barony, located in a dark valley in some evil jagged mountains between better known eastern European counties has been ruled for generations in the traditional feudal method by the Von Doom family. The aide claims that Salmond is a close friend of the von Doom family and current head, Viktor Von Doom with whom he allegedly plays bridge with weekly, and that his plans are to model the new Scotland, which will be renamed to Skotland, on the city-state. Salmond will take up residence in a castle in the mountains and have Skotland policed by cyborgs and becoweled agents. The aide also showed us a sketch he made, on the back of a beer mat, of designs he has witnessed for an adamantium body-suit that Salmond plans to have made for himself, along with an electro magnetic shield generator, repulser pads and a creepy skeletal mask.

Master Baiter…

The ruler of Latveria has faced international condemnation in the past for alleged criminal activities and has been accused of paranoia and despotism, accusations that some circles have also laid against Alex Salmond. The population of Latveria is largely Roma and it has been suggested that many of the Latverian Roma who have come to the UK send money made from selling Big Issue magazines in towncenters back to Latveria to fund the evil schemes of their ruler. An independent Skotland will be opened to these Roma who will move to the country in large numbers and practice black magic openly.

Hail Sturm…

SNP have yet to comment on the alleged plans or deny political links with the Von Doom family, however locals we spoke to in the next snug said it sounded like something Alex Salmond might do. They also added that possibilities that he may start to call himself Doktor Lex Von Zamond can not be ruled out.

Our source requested his name withheld as he fears his life may be in danger from SNP/Latverian agents and he doesn’t want his AA sponsor to know he’s been in this pub all day.

Doctor Doom is 52