A former local man, Paddy Apples, was yesterday sentenced to 12 months incarceration and community service for 160 counts of being in possession of indecent material after he admitted downloading images of clergy abuse from the Internet. Police said some of these images contained quite graphic scenes of members of the clergy being sexually abused, some in the UK, the rest in Ireland. “These were quite graphic pictures.” one member of special branch said. “I felt quite ill after looking at them myself for a few hours. I don’t know how someone gets off on this sort of thing. I tried and found it virtually impossible to maintain an erection.”
Clergy porn is a commonly overlooked area of sexual abuse. “Experts” claim that there are hundreds of clergy-porn rings in the UK alone where parishioners lure unsuspecting members of the clergy into sexual situations and then photograph them. Often without the clergy members receiving any sort of financial reimbursement or even a cup of tea.
Said one local priest who preferred to remain anonymous “I used to be called out to care homes to give the last rights to dying residents only to find said residents waiting for me with items of a rubber nature.”
Mr Apples claimed he was planning to write a novel on clergy abuse and merely downloaded the images out of curiosity but found he couldn’t help pleasuring himself as he watched bishops fisting each other in an underpass. He said he was truly sorry for what he had done and had been “amazingly dumb” in downloading and wanking off to the material. The pervert feigned remorse when being driven away to a maximum security monastery in a remote location.
Police call for the public to be vigilant and report any suspicious activity involving members of the clergy to the tabloid press as soon as possible as there might be a cash reward.
The webmaster of www.vicarsinknickers.com refused to comment until after he’d finished his tea.